How do we do this?
I don't know, but I'm trying to remember Sully's voice.
You need to do, like, a witch voice, or, like, a ghosty voice.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Spooky.
I'm your Dungeon Master, Russ More, he, him.
Also with me today is Carla Maxted.
She, her, that's me playing Glim,
a dragonborn pAlydin, just a little baby one.
Also she, her.
And Amy More.
Yep, that's me, she, her.
And I will be playing Sullivan Sleight,
a lightfoot halfling rogue,
also just a little baby, he, him.
And Kyle Classic.
Hey, hey, he, him.
Gonna be playing Vorunax, also he, him.
Picking right up where we left off.
No, we're not doing that.
This is a non-canonical, canonical-ish adventure
for Halloween Spooky Fun Times,
because it's the spooky season.
So thank you for being here with us.
One of my favorite seasons.
I love these. That's right.
You're catching us in the middle of the between seasons,
the in-betweeny weenies,
where we haven't yet started releasing anything
from season three, maybe,
but we're just having lots of fun
while we play games,
trying to remember how to play a game.
After the season finale.
Where we have all the things going on
that remain constant and normal is over on Patreon,
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
where we have a continuous show
that's going on over there that we haven't stopped.
And we have lots of other things,
like episode dedications,
which you're gonna hear right now
from the patron who gets their episode dedicated to them,
Lord Arachne.
I know that person.
We know that person.
You know, just from like Discord
and good things and stuff.
Of Discord fame.
Yeah.
You can join us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And then you'll just come on over to the Discord too
and Lord Arachne's there,
which what more do you need?
Little insider tip.
You can come to the Discord
even if you're not on Patreon,
cause we love you still.
For free. True.
That's right.
Come join us. It's really fun.
Join us.
One of us. One of us.
Goobble gobble. One of us.
Goobble gobble.
One of us.
And now fuck it, let's play.
There's the creaking sound of a carriage.
Eee eee eee eee.
Cuckoo coo coo.
Eee eee eee.
Winding down this long pathway
as this single horse pulls you along your inside.
The four of you, Glim, Sully, Vorunax, and Hillop.
What?
The very pregnant pause.
Well, Amy started busting a gun.
I was like, I haven't said anything funny yet.
No, but if you wasn't back
to that string sentence that you did,
it was nonsensical.
Yeah, but I move it around so that it makes sense.
I followed it entirely,
so I don't know what that says.
I knew what he was saying.
Yeah.
We're married.
Oh, that's perfect.
But I was imagining it written down going.
No, who writes things down?
I'm sorry.
You didn't have to, my laughter was silent.
I would just like that to be on the record.
It was, I didn't even know you were laughing.
That my laughter was silent.
I've cut back in a real laugh
so that it makes it make more sense
when I source someone from an episode.
Now you sound like you're losing your mind.
Yeah, one day you'll just come in
and I will just say, just drop, give me a laugh.
I need it.
And you'll laugh and it won't make any sense.
No, cause you said, give me a laugh.
I need it.
And I would do something hilarious
to try to make you laugh thinking
you were having a bad day.
Yes, that would make more sense.
So moving down the path.
And if someone said, I need a laugh
and you just started laughing,
that would be a crazy thing to do.
Yeah, that is the real nightmare
of this Halloween thing that we're gonna be doing here.
So you're in a carriage,
I think is where we got to the four of you.
Glim, Sully, Hillop and Vorunax.
And you have been spending some time in this carriage
on the way to Kroorn Manor.
Of course,
Count Eunice A. Kroorn has invited you
to his annual Grand Hallows Eve Gala.
One of the most sought after invitations in the entire realm.
And the four of you find yourselves
in each other's company, waiting to arrive.
It's so very nice that you've invited me along.
I know Hillop, he had that big emergency
of the sudden outbreak of mashed potato avAlydinche
as a nearby all you can eat buffet,
which created that big potato mountain emergency.
And he was the only buffet reviewer who could stop it.
Right, so did you misspeak and you meant moot
or are you now speaking in the third person
because you thought your sort of
just general personality wasn't quite enough?
So you thought you'd add in a fun thing where you-
It is enough though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's not encourage.
It's enough, it's enough.
I can't exactly remember what I said,
but I'm pretty sure- Oh, but moot avAlydinche.
Yeah, it meant thank you inviting me, Hillop,
in place of moot, who was called away
to his potato emergency.
And Hal.
He was so excited.
I don't know if I've ever seen him smile so much.
Mr. Vorunax, have you ever experienced
such a potato emergency?
I have not, but there was one time
we experienced a shortage of supplies at work
and well, it caused quite a backup in the system
and processing is a messy business where I come from.
Oh, and what is it you're in the business of?
Well, you know, let's see.
I don't know, that's why I asked.
Well, I'm in the business of moving people
from point A to point B, logistics in a way
and making sure that-
Oh, transportation.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, but it's really difficult
when somebody needs to be transported
in different parcels.
That is intriguing.
That sounds ominous.
Well, you know, I don't like to talk about work
at fun events, but you know, if you're gonna ask,
then I'll go into the dirty details
if you really wanna know,
especially on a night like tonight.
Oh, it is a very spooky night, isn't it?
Very spooky.
It's very spooky and I have to say
quite an inspired decision to hold
the Grand Hallows Eve Gala in the haunted forest.
I mean, it's perfect.
It's the perfect location.
It's like they've done it one or two times before.
Perhaps they held it at the local play place
and that was not spooky enough.
Not quite spooky enough,
especially if there's some things
I'm particularly looking forward to.
I don't know about you all,
but costume contest, obviously.
Well, yeah, what are you wearing right now?
I'm obviously, really?
You can't, I'm beefy stew.
Oh my gosh, I was like, you're so familiar.
Beefy stew.
Okay, sorry.
And, and, and, Hilape, what are you?
I'm Glim.
Oh, oh, I see what the-
Yeah, see, I have, I painted myself
in sparkles from head to toe.
And I'm wearing just-
Yeah, I mean, that's sort of-
Yeah, well, it's just a-
Dragonborn face, which I'm not entirely comfortable with.
I am wearing the toga too, that you often wear.
Of course, Glim, well known for togas.
And these Cupid wings.
They didn't have a tail,
so I went with the wings of a dragon
instead of the tail of a dragon.
I thought that was close.
Sorry, sorry.
No, I mean, imitation, sincerest form of flattery.
It's, it's really, nice, Sully, what are your-
Oh, well, well, remember a while ago
when I was like really into those mushrooms?
And then I had like that evil twin thing
that just kind of popped out of my body?
I'll never forget.
Okay, well, that's why I just like
pinned a bunch of mushrooms on myself
and now I am my twin.
Oh, that's very good.
It's like, it's, you know,
it's a concept costume.
If you know, you know.
That's what they mean when they say that.
It's the inside baseball.
If you know, you know, and it is, it's very good.
And Mr. Vorunax, what, explain,
you look fantastic.
Thank you very much.
It is my take on Loth, the drow goddess.
If it was more of a dragon drow instead of the spider,
but still with all the legs.
So I guess dracana, dracarachnid
is what I would coin it as.
Oh, oh, I like that.
That's very good.
If there is a section of the costume contest
for best name of costume,
that would probably win.
I'll have to-
Drachnid, it's great.
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, it kind of just, it kind of just came to me,
but I have a feeling all of these extra arms
are going to be sorry about cramping the space
with these things.
No, it's fine.
Yeah.
It's okay.
It's a spooky cold night.
So honestly, I was sort of just draping one
as like they're cozy.
Oh, good.
I did have most of it actually made from silk
from the spiders of the underworld and whatnot.
But yes, it should be very comfortable.
Keep you warm if you need it.
Hopefully I can make it through the night
without sweating my scales off.
Oh, maybe they have cool drinks
as part of the gourmet feast of ghoulish delicacies.
Oh, yeah.
Moot would not stop talking about missing
that gourmet feast.
Like he knows he's in a pile of potatoes right now,
but I mean-
He's living the dream.
And I open my,
I open my trench coat.
I don't know.
And I just have like Tupperware
lining the inside.
I'm gonna do him a favor.
He doesn't know.
And don't tell him it was me
because he's gonna assume it was you.
That's so thoughtful.
I was just going to ask,
do we tell him it's terrible,
even if it's great?
Like what's our strategy?
But you, that's the best strategy.
Well, let him decide.
He's gonna love that.
He gets the mashed potato mountain
and the leftovers.
You're a really good friend.
Lucky.
Don't tell anybody.
Lucky.
I will say like,
as much as I like fireworks,
I'm afraid to go around them
because again, silk, very flammable.
Oh, yes.
So I'll need to be careful there.
Just don't punch a donkey in.
Glam will be fine.
She won't light you up like a candle.
Don't listen to him.
He's just-
I'll tell you what.
I'll take your word for it.
That sounded like there was a story behind it.
And-
It was a bit of a story.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Maybe on the way home later,
I'll tell you about it.
Hopefully I'll be in a state
to remember it once I wake up tomorrow.
Yes.
As you approach Krohn Manor,
you can't help but notice its eerie charm.
The mansion stands tall and imposing
as you look at it in the silhouette
of the large moon in front of you,
like a vampire trying to impress its guests
with its dark charisma.
Its gothic architecture,
complete with looming spires
that seem to defy gravity,
gives it this unmistakable aura
of spooktacular grandeur.
The front gates begin to swing open,
adorned with wrought iron bats
instead of traditional spikes.
They creak with an exaggerated groan,
and the pathway leading up to the entrance
is lined with comically oversized jack-o-lanterns,
their grinning faces illuminating the way
with a mischievous wink.
When I used to be a gay-tist,
I'd just inside scoop.
You gotta pay extra if you wanted to squeak
all creepy like that.
There's an upcharge.
Oh, that's fun to know.
I like these jack-o-lanterns
and sort of the, they're a little bit more whimsical
than kind of straight terrifying,
like almost everything else.
So that's a nice bAlydince, I think.
This is nice.
It's a little playful, isn't it?
Yes, playful, exactly.
You pull up and you see two stone gargoyles
perched on either side of the grand entrance
await you, and the front door is tall and imposing.
It's painted in this ominous shade of black,
but as you take the first few steps up,
you see a brass knocker in the shape of a friendly ghost
because nothing says welcome like a specter.
Hilla, Farnox, do you wanna do the honors or?
Oh.
Yeah, it's kind of rude.
It's really up there.
Like I understand the door's big and all,
but like I would have to get on top
of Glim's shoulders to reach that, so.
I mean, I certainly can, sure.
Go up and I'd use the knocker.
You hit the knocker, and it's boo, boo, boo.
Oh.
I didn't think I did a bad job, but.
Oh, I do like that.
Okay.
And as you do that,
the two gargoyles turn towards you,
and one says, hey there, Traveler.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey.
Did you hear about the vampire who opened a blood bank?
No.
And the other one quickly says,
he wanted to make a positive difference in the community.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
What do you call a mummy's favorite type of music?
Oh, oh, I think I can guess this one.
Is it rap music?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.
Rap, rap.
But it's awesome, you know what?
Of course.
That is very good.
It really gets them groovy in their bandages.
These guys, they didn't steal the punchline of the jokes.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
The door groans open, and they're.
You gotta ask for that, too, as an upcharge.
And you hear from inside, as the doors swing open,
a bustle of laughter and chatter
and footsteps that all move beyond.
And there is immediately that catches your eye
in this well-illuminated foyer,
a dramatic chandelier that's suspended from the ceiling.
It would make the Phantom of the Opera jealous.
It's adorned with countless cobwebs,
giving it the appearance of a luxurious spider's nest.
A brass plaque proudly declares it the winner
of Most Haunted Lighting Fixture Award.
Mm, very competitive this year, I heard.
And suddenly in front of you, a spectral butler appears.
He says, welcome to your guests to Kron Manor.
I hope you're deading for a good time.
Ha, a lot more pun-based humor at this spooky party
than I would have anticipated, and I like it.
It's comforting.
Yeah.
Gives a sly smirk, and then he vanishes
in a puff of ectoplasmic smoke,
leaving behind a trail of ghostly laughter.
I like him, he's funny.
Oh, he is fun.
I hope we see him again later.
Was that supposed to be Mr. Mortimer?
I didn't take my coat.
I assumed the butler would be...
Oh, yeah, you're right.
F it, and he'd just drape it over a nearby chair.
Yeah.
There's probably a bedroom somewhere
with a bunch just laid out on the bed,
but a banister's probably fine, right?
Just remember where you put it, though.
That's true, we'll see, we'll see about that one.
As you enter and you drape your jackets onto a chair,
a coat rack in the corner seems to have come to life
on its own, its hooks swaying as they're doing
some sort of dance to the music in the background.
It moves over and it extends one of its arms
and it picks up your jacket and moves back to the corner.
I think you offended it.
I wonder.
Good thing we were paying attention,
otherwise you could have remembered
and you would not be getting that back.
It's true, now I know where it is
and if there's any missing coats,
I know what coat rack to go after.
The door closes shut behind you
and you are looking around.
You see people in all types of costumes.
There's some mummies, werewolves,
maybe they're in costumes, maybe they aren't.
You take a few more steps in as you round the corner
and you see a dining room area.
The spectral butler appears in front of you again
and says, sorry, invitations, please.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I get it.
Glim, did I give mine to you
because I feel like all my pockets are just.
Hold on, sorry, it's not my normal
because the costume, I'm not,
I had to transfer everything from my normal.
Oh, okay, here we go, here we go.
Yeah, I gotta run back to my coat real quick.
Hold on, here it is.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
He looks at them and says,
ah, yes, the Destiny's children and Varnocks.
Count Eunice A. Krohn was called earlier today
but will be arriving shortly.
He wished me to tell you that he is
looking forward to greeting all of you.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Ditto.
Did he end up at the mashed potato thing because
nevermind, nevermind.
Yes, yes, yes, it was mashed potatoes.
The spine chilling haunted mansion tour will begin shortly.
Please find yourselves some refreshments
and we will begin.
Disappears in front of you again.
Wow.
Do you think he's giving the tour because I like him.
Oh, yeah, that'd be really great.
I believe you could deliver it, yeah.
Refreshments.
Drinks, yeah, drinks.
Oh, there's a table.
Yes, table right over there.
You think they got something alcoholic?
Almost certainly.
Oh, looks like they've got a bin of eyeballs.
One of the classics.
Oh, that is so good.
And upon entering the dining room,
the ambience shifts dramatically.
A long antique dining table
is covered in cobwebs and dust
but the centerpiece is a stuffed raven
wearing a monocle and top hat.
A cob nod to fine dining, if you will.
Candles flicker with ghostly flame
casting eerie shadows that dance
in this comedic ghostly waltz along the walls.
The room is silent as a tomb
until you hear just this off-key tune on the piano
begin playing and as you look over,
there's this invisible hand
that's slowly plunking away at the keys.
How do we know it's a hand?
It's invisible.
We know it's invisible
but it's choosing to show us that it's invisible.
It's wearing a glove.
Yeah, it's a white glove.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's exactly what I pictured.
How else would they know
that there was somebody in a ghostly form
doing the piano?
That's right.
Yes, yes.
I mean, I guess since we can only see the hand
we assume this is a full ghost nude
except for the glove or just a ghost hand.
That is a good question.
I wonder if ghosts, do they choose which,
you said you're in the business of moving people.
Have you ever dealt with nude ghosts, Mr. Farnox?
All the time.
People think ghosts down there,
no, they don't have clothes.
They don't come down with clothes
but ghosts who have business up top,
sometimes they'll show up with clothes
because really most of them do
because they're still self-conscious
about some of the work they have left to do.
It's a little complicated
but honestly the job goes easier
if you just kind of shed the earthly
or the material clothing
and kind of just get down to the brass tacks of things.
Honestly, it's something
that I think the living should get on board with
but you know.
Seems freeing.
Society's gotta be society.
Yeah, shedding material,
cares of the material plane,
that sounds really quite profound.
That's what we offer.
Farnox seems like he's here to get down.
I feel like we're all gonna go streaking later.
Yeah, more than likely.
Okay, okay, I like that.
So I mean if y'all ever wanna come down
and free yourselves of your material burdens
then I can certainly help you out with that.
You keep saying down,
now do you, you must work like in the basement
of a building.
Or down south.
Or it's sort of like a sub.
Yeah, yeah.
It's actually a lot more sense.
The deep south, yeah.
Deep south.
Well, so it's a close.
It gives new meaning to touch by an angel, I guess.
That's okay.
You go over to, there's a small bar
with a single steward behind it
and he says what can I get you?
The specials this evening are the bloody eyeball punch,
the witch's brew, a vampire's kiss,
the zombie punch and the ghostly white Russian.
Hmm.
Okay, I know we've had a lot of puns
and like jokey kind of things lately.
If I order the zombie punch
is someone just gonna pop up
and give me like a sucker punch me in the face?
Oh, that is not on the menu.
No, the zombie punch is a delicious apricot,
lime and pineapple mixture.
What's a punchy pot?
Those are just juices.
The alcohol probably.
The rum, the light rum and the dark rum
but the flavors that really bring out are the punches.
I'll take one of those.
All right.
I'm gonna go on my creme kick
and get that white Russian, that ghostly white Russian.
Oh, love a white Russian but I just can't,
I just can't have that dairy, I don't think so.
It's bad, no glim.
Could you tell me?
Don't do that dairy, don't do that dairy.
No, I regret it.
It is a small carriage on the way home.
Just, I appreciate you thinking about this like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Could you say what's in the witch's brew?
Cause I'm beefy stew and like beefy stew,
drinking a witch's brew.
I like that one at the time.
That's what I remember.
I think that's fun.
The witch's brew.
Yeah.
The witch's brew is the finest melon liqueur,
black vodka, lemonade, lemon lime soda
and gummy worms.
Ooh.
Oh, I mean that, yes please, that sounds delicious.
That will be just a moment
and he begins shaking up all of your drinks.
The witch's brew is served
in a cauldron-like punch bowl for you.
Zombie punch in this tall, short glass, nope.
Short, tall glass.
No, it's served in a lovely glass
and has slices of oranges and cherries throughout it,
giving a bit of a pulpy mixture to it.
The ghostly white Russian,
it's a very classic in its presentation,
but it's topped with a heavy cream
to create a subtle ghostly effect throughout.
This might be the fanciest party we've ever,
am I wrong?
Sully, this is the fanciest party
we've ever been to, right?
I'm surprised we're allowed in here.
They paid extra for all the door sounds.
There's these incredible drinks.
There's gonna be fireworks, a ghost butler, egg.
I'm excited for the haunted tour.
Me too.
I guess, is it almost time, do you think?
You hear the jingle of a bell from the foyer
and people begin to mill that direction.
You hear the voice of Mr. Mortimer as he says,
the spine-chilling haunted mansion tour
shall begin right now.
Can we bring our drinks?
Please do.
Oh, nice.
I'll be right back, I'm getting two.
Vinox is over there just double fisting it.
It's gonna be a night.
I've already knocked out one,
so now I've got, this is two and three in hand.
You join everybody,
and you didn't see exactly how many people
were in this party,
but there's a group of 25 to 30 people
who have amassed from different areas of this mansion
and have come for this ghostly tour.
Does everybody keep your arms and legs
inside the vehicles at all times
for fear of losing them?
Vehicle?
Oh, is he being like cute?
Yeah.
He turns slowly and begins moving down the hallway,
and as you venture down these dimly lit hallways,
paintings of stern looking ancestors
follow your every move with disapproving glares.
It's like they're looking at you, right?
Your eyes follow you?
They don't like what they see.
Yeah, I'm used to sort of being looked at
with love and adoration from my family.
It would be really hard to grow up here
with these sort of mean faces
looking at you all the time.
Well, you turned this into a really emotional moment.
Yeah.
Well, I have had half of a witch as Bruce, so.
Oh, she's partying.
You stop in front of one of the portraits,
and Mr. Mortimer ushers a hand and says,
this is the portrait of Lady Isolde Crohn,
a long deceased member of the Crohn family
said to come to life when the moon is full.
Her enchanting beauty masks a malevolent spirit
that seeks revenge for a century's old betrayal.
Those who gaze upon her portrait during the full moon
are said to be drawn into a sinister trance,
unable to escape her vengeful wrath.
Whoa.
Just a quick question.
Just off the top of your head,
do you know sort of the moon phase,
specifically this evening?
All I can say is be careful where your gaze lands.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, okay, thank you.
Oh, God, I still wanna look.
I know, all I wanna, I hear she's such a babe,
I wanna look, but I can't.
Right?
I mean, most of the time,
these eyes are just people behind the walls
looking at you.
Oh.
You know, so you could probably look, it'll be fine.
It's one of those,
I guess this one would be a croony trick.
Oh.
Oh, you're really embracing the pun theme of the evening,
that's very good.
Yeah, hillop, look at her.
I'm gonna look.
I mean, I am looking right now, look at me look.
He's looking, I'm gonna look too,
and you see hillop, he puts his head down in his eyes,
I'm looking so very good.
I can see her with my own eyeballs,
not a reflection in my shoes.
Everybody make an investigation roll as you carry on.
Fuck, why am I myself?
15.
Ah, that's a five.
I have had half a witch's brew, am I right?
Three.
Three, okay.
15, the two of you are definitely not looking
at the portrait.
No, not at all.
No, definitely not, too scared.
Sometimes the dice no,
and they just tell the story for us.
You see that this portrait, Vorunax,
is on a hinge.
The left side appears,
and it appears to be pulled slightly away from the wall,
and there appears to be like a piece of parchment
or some sort of signage that's,
you can't quite see what,
make out what it says at your current position,
but there's a little sign or something
like behind this portrait of Lady Isolde Kron.
My, the woodworking on this frame is marvelous looking.
I'm gonna go up and inspect it
while I actually look at that thing.
Sure, yeah, you managed to jimmy it just enough
so that you can see that there is a sign
that says shortcut to the kitchen,
and in parentheses it says,
beware of friendly spiders.
Yes, good work, and I go back to the group
and I'm like, hey, there's a secret passageway
behind that picture.
There's a secret, it goes to the kitchen,
and you know what, there's a spider in there.
Okay. Oh.
I love. It's a friendly spider, though.
Oh. How do you know this?
I acted like I was interested in the frame.
Yes, I saw that. God, awful work.
Absolutely trash.
I don't know how much they paid for it,
but you could have gotten better in Blackpool.
Anyway, that's me.
I did the woodworking in most of Blackpool,
but anyway, yeah, if we ever need
book it from one place to the kitchen,
this is that place.
Perfect, thank you. Do we go right now?
I don't know if I feel comfortable
walking off apart from the group.
I've now been spending too much time with Glim,
because those words didn't come out of my mouth.
That wasn't me.
That was Glim speaking through me.
Yeah.
But more importantly, is she hot?
Yeah, the image is old.
Is she really beautiful?
Or is she old, like I thought she was gonna be,
because her name is old.
Like damn, that bitch is old.
Yeah.
There's a lot of ways you could say that sentence,
grammatically.
That is true.
Yeah, it's both Vorunax and I look straight at her,
so we know exactly that she is a hot, older lady.
Yeah.
Right, those two aren't mutually exclusive,
she could be gorgeous and older.
That's right, Vorunax, that's what you saw too, right?
Yep, gave me some Meryl Streep energy.
Oh, see, yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
All right.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Okay.
You turn and you see the group rounding a corner
a little ways down the hallway,
and you move to catch up, I assume.
Oh, yes.
And as you turn, you kind of bump into the group
who's stopped, and you can hear from up ahead,
Mr. Mortimer, who's telling another tale
of the Crom Manor, and he says the walls of Cron Manor
have ears, and he kind of moves through the crowd for you,
or so the locals say.
Visitors claim to hear faint whispers
and eerie laughter emanating from the mansion's walls,
as if the very stones are privy to the darkest secrets
of the manor's past.
Some believe that the souls of the departed family members
are trapped within the walls,
forever reliving their tragic tales.
So you would recommend be wearing the ears of Cron?
Watch out, watch out for those ears of Cron.
He looks at you disapprovingly.
As does every portrait in here.
How are the ghostly white Russians survived?
Oh, it's getting spooky.
Good, good.
It's getting real spooky over here.
You, he turns and begins to move back through the crowd
who all turn and look at you
and just kind of shake their heads.
There's one of them in there that points at you
and winks and is like,
gives you a good one from the front of the group.
But everybody's, you're taking us out of the mood.
Oh, they're a little stuffy in here.
They're a little stuffy, a little stuffy.
Okay, all right, all right.
Vibe, vibe taken, gotcha.
You make your way down to the back of the manor
and it opens into this majestic garden.
You step down into it and you're greeted
by a row of zombie garden gnomes
that begin doing a dance.
Ba-da, da-na-na,
do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.
Roses begin to bloom in shades of red, black
and occasional polka dot
and a tree in the corner is adorned
with floating lanterns that giggle
as you see a few of them reaching up,
trying to catch them.
You see all around statues of mythical creatures
that are frozen mid-sneeze
and a friendly werewolf that is tending to the petunias.
Glim, look over there.
I see some shrubbery that's twerking.
I knew if we got further into the garden
that's when the sexy dancing would start.
They're just slightly out of view.
Glim's like four sips away from her sexy dancing.
Watch out.
I've seen it once before.
When I get a whole witch's brewing,
look out.
It's as if you'll enjoy the dance
and then join me back inside.
Mr. Mortimer begins to re-enter the place.
A few people follow him,
but others stand and mill about in the garden space.
I'll dance along.
Yeah, I was gonna say, should we join in?
Yeah.
Pause for a dance flash mob from everybody.
Yeah.
Somehow we know all the moves.
You step back inside and as if from nowhere,
you see the bartender standing behind another bar
and he calls to you as you enter
and says, a refill.
Oh yeah.
Absolutely.
Oh, heck yeah.
And one from my friend who's still outside.
I am coming.
I'm coming.
I'm just going to...
Oh, there's another one.
A different friend.
I think he meant a different one.
No, I'm pretty sure he meant me.
That we were...
Yes.
I don't think...
You're not drinking White Russians though.
No, I'm not drinking White Russians.
But his other friend is.
His other friend needs our other friend
that we all know and are waiting for will need another...
We are winking at him so hard.
White Russian.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yes, okay.
So, so White Russians?
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
He serves you all your drinks
and gets you your extra White Russian for your friend.
Sucker.
And the tour continues
and you pass a large grand staircase.
It goes up a floor
and then there's a small spiral staircase that goes down.
Mr. Mortimer says the kitchen is downstairs
and upstairs we will not be venturing today.
That is the Count's private quarters.
If anybody requires the lavatory,
that is up on the right.
He begins to move down the stairs towards the kitchen.
All right, let's get on down to that kitchen.
See if we can find the other side of that.
Find the other end of that passageway.
Yeah, exactly.
But also I still wanna go upstairs
in the Count's rooms and like look around.
Obviously me too.
I mean, I have a whole other drink
so like let's see where the night takes us.
Should we stick with the group first?
And then I'm sure there's gonna be time
to like mingle and stuff where we can kind of sneak off.
Yeah, so we're going down to the kitchen, yes?
Likely.
Yeah.
I mean, Mortimer is pretty occupied right now.
Yes, he is.
With the tour and may not be later.
So maybe now is the time.
Or maybe we sneak upstairs
and then we take the shortcut down to the kitchens
like we were there the whole time.
But do we wanna give away that we know the secret?
Oh, that's a secret.
Because then the scarees become the scareurs.
Ah, touche, sir.
These drinks are real strong.
I have no idea where I am in this house anymore.
It's a winding, winding labyrinth.
Yeah, it's huge.
Hallways and doorways, is it not?
It is.
Yes.
It's true.
Speaking of winding, these stairs look pretty winding.
Y'all be careful.
You know, the first one's usually a doozy,
especially when we're in our states.
Yes.
So down, I kind of, okay, I know.
Sully, I know.
I kind of wanna stay on the tour
because I'm- I got you would.
Yeah, of course I do.
Well, I mean, what if we miss something important?
If the group doesn't.
Again, I'm spending too much time with you.
Well, if we miss something important.
You didn't immediately try to instigate trouble,
so I think I'm being a really positive influence on you.
I'm really disappointing myself today.
All right, let's catch up.
You have lost track of the main group
and you begin making your way down the stairs.
You hear chatter.
It sounds like Mr. Mortimer has begun his conversation
of whatever eerie things have happened next.
And you round the corner and into the kitchen.
And in there, thinking you followed the group,
you don't see anybody,
but you find pots and pans
stacked in an impossibly high tower.
It looks like they're threatening
to topple over at any moment.
The refrigerator door is kind of cracked open
and there's this chilly breeze
with an otherworldly realm that is filling the room.
And just beyond it, you see floating heads of lettuce
and eggs as you make your way around this space.
You hear the mumbled conversation of Mr. Mortimer,
but you can't exactly place where it's coming from.
Are they in the refrigerator?
That's what I was gonna ask.
You see the lettuce floating and that's not.
Like an Arctic breeze?
Also, weird that the kitchen would be part of the tour.
I don't mean to judge sort of the event planning,
but it's sort of strange, isn't it?
I'm glad you said that.
I mean, it doesn't look like it's ready for guests.
Especially when everything else was so done up
and this just seems like a big old pile of pots.
Maybe it's a sign of trust
letting you see where your food came from.
Oh, yes, I hadn't thought about that.
That's nice.
You suddenly hear just a quiet sob
and you turn and you now hear the chopping sound
and you see a ghostly chef who's dicing onions
and tears of ectoplasm are just streaming down his face.
Oh, oh, good onions we'll get you, won't we?
Oh, yeah, yeah, they will.
Even once you're a ghost, hey, that doesn't go away.
Seems kind of rude.
It really just gets in there.
Yeah, I mean, I died in the kitchen.
So maybe it's because this is where
the last thing I felt was pain.
How did you die?
Seems like a personal question.
I fell on a blade.
Oh, that blade?
Slipped on a wet puddle.
Watch, wet floor.
Oh, thank you.
And you're supposed to report any slips
or trips or near misses.
There's probably somewhere like a clipboard.
You need to fill out sort of an incident report.
For my death?
No, I filled it out a long time ago.
I've just been carrying on chopping the onions
for everything and just making sure
that everybody gets fed.
You are doing a bang up job though, man.
Thank you.
Are you, you seem more emotional
than I typically feel just from the onion chopping
that sort of straight tears.
Not a lot of like, are you, everything else okay?
Oh, just a lot on my shoulders right now.
Oh, are you alone making all of this food?
All of the food.
Oh my goodness.
Well, that's, and now entertaining visitors on a tour.
They passed through a moment ago.
Was it three?
It's been some time.
They keep me in this temporal vortex
so I can create the food faster.
Oh, well that doesn't really seem right.
Well, also now how long have we been in here?
You should be able to catch them.
In what?
Which way?
They did take a look in the fridge
but didn't go in there.
They went through the side door over there
and you look back and there's the saloon style door
that you can't quite remember if it was there before.
Just through there.
Well, thanks, what's your name?
Okay.
Is your last name Krohn?
Of course it is.
Everybody's named Krohn.
Oh, you're also a Krohn.
Benjamin, Benjamin, Frederick Krohn.
Krohn, not Krohn.
It's got the juice.
Yeah, that's what they say.
It's Krohn.
Yeah, that's immediately when I read the name.
I was just like, oh good, here we go.
I'm thinking up the parody lyrics already.
Binge, Binge, where's the secret door opening in the room?
You would know.
The secret door opening.
You're the one with spiders.
Yeah, yeah.
He looks kind of left and right.
Lifts his nose up to a cutting board up on a high shelf.
It's a large cutting board.
This is a room.
I can hear it from me.
I don't.
You hear what?
No, it's the sound of onions chopping and tears flowing.
Well, this has been depressing.
It has been.
It can't all be fun and laughs
at the Haunted Mansion tour.
I like, do you need us to free you from this torture
or I feel bad just walking away now
while you're sort of in this state?
No, no, I think I'll be okay.
If you get bored later, come and we can see,
see if I have some unfinished business maybe, but.
Oh, oh, get it, cutting board.
Gotcha, yeah, this guy.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Wink, wink.
Oh, it's so oozy.
That's kind of gross, but you keep at it.
I keep it out of the sauce.
Good.
That's the important part.
Everything's above boiling.
I didn't even think about that.
Oh, above boiling, oh wow.
Oh my gosh.
See what you're doing.
So this way then?
Through the saloon doors.
All right, well see you later, Ben.
See you later, nameless adventurers.
As you walk through the saloon doors,
it's very dark in this next area
and as they swing shut behind you,
it's almost as if this magical darkness has enveloped you.
You can hear Mr. Mortimer to the left
and then to the right
and it's as if his voice is bouncing around
and you're picking up bits of tales from Krohn Manor.
You hear the start of one every century
and on the night of the blood moon,
a curse befalls Krohn Manor.
The once genteel inhabitants transform
into monstrous creatures
thirsting for the blood of intruders.
And then from another side you hear,
but the mournful music sends shivers down the spines
of those who dare to stay at the manor.
And then all goes completely silent.
I guess we missed the scary stories.
Yeah, the context is totally lost on me.
I'm not entirely sure what's happening.
And after the whole depressing kitchen scene,
I feel like we've sort of lost
a little of the momentum of the-
We've been left in the dark on this one.
Oh, oh goodness.
Oh, Mr. Vorunax, are you sure your last name's not Krohn
because you really are?
Maybe.
That twist might have to remain until the end though.
No, I'm not a Krohn.
Not that I know of.
Oh God, am I?
No, certainly not.
Whether it's the several punch bowls full of drinks,
everything starts to feel a little woozy
and a little off bAlydince.
Guys, it's so dark in here.
I don't know which way's up.
I don't think I drank much,
but I am feeling disorientated.
Like I can tell you which direction we came in here.
Should we just kind of wander in the dark?
That seems like a safe thing to do.
I think there would be a light from the swingy swingy doors
that we just walked through
because we didn't go very far, but it's just,
and then you hear a sound of a body
and Hillop's not talking.
I've got matches.
I'm gonna be just gonna use some matches.
That's a great idea.
Let's just, that's a match sound.
It lights for a moment
and you see Hillop lying on the ground
and there's this black and white checkered tile floor
and then before it even gets far down the match,
it snuffs out.
So Hillop's down.
Yeah, Hillop, are you, can we hear breathing?
I wanna nudge him with my foot.
You nudge him, there's a bit of a groan and.
Okay.
And then Sully, your constitution begins to fade
and you feel yourself like the ground
is getting closer to you and you're getting very sleepy.
Okay guys, I'm slowly just lowering myself to the ground.
I think I maybe had one or two,
just like too many, perhaps.
Can you, can you like come this way?
I'll just pick you up a little bit, just up seas.
It seems fine.
Okay, I don't love that.
Mr. Vorunax, how are you feeling?
I mean, I feel like you've imbibed the most,
you probably have. Most definitely.
Yeah, and how are you feeling?
I feel a little odd.
This darkness is darker than I'm used to.
Normally I don't have a problem with dark at all,
but this seems different.
I feel the sudden desire just to sit down in place.
But you know, I feel like I could go for a good sit,
you know, sometimes at a party,
you get through parts of it and then you're like,
man, I just need to sit.
I think I'm gonna do that.
I mean, I've been there, but I really don't know.
Guys, this is, just we're in a black room.
I can't see you.
I appreciate that you're telling me what you're doing,
but it's not, I don't like it,
I guess is what I'm trying to say.
You hear the sound of Varnock sitting down
and Sully begins to snore and there's a tiny like,
of hill up in the corner.
And you're, you feel woozy,
but you haven't lost,
you're not experiencing quite the same experience
that everybody else around you glim.
And then there's this swinging door,
similar to the saloon doors that you walk through.
And quick footsteps moving towards you,
you can't see them.
Benjamin, is that you?
Are you okay?
Do you need a hug from the crying?
Are you okay?
And there's suddenly a blunt force to your head.
Oh, jeez.
Hell yeah.
And you go unconscious.
All of you drift to sleep or go.
Or get knocked out.
Or forced to sleep. Forced to sleep.
Yeah.
["Dumbgeons and Dragons, Halloween at Krohn Manor, Part One"]
Dumbgeons and Dragons, Halloween at Krohn Manor, Part One.
This episode starred Amy More as Sully,
Carla Macstead as Glim,
with Kyle Klassat as Varnock,
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue editing and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Kat Waterflame,
Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Craig Zeiss,
Perry Matey, Old School Gamer D,
Ongaron Kiersen, Kayla Littlejohn,
L.A. Branton, Nathaniel Teeter, and Destiny.
Join us today at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
We're in between seasons,
but that doesn't mean the episodes are stopping.
We have our monthly Patreon exclusive podcast
available over there right now.
Five seasons, all to catch up on.
Plus so much more bonus content,
a live show in November, and hangouts.
We hang out a lot.
It's kind of our thing.
So join us today at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
Thank you so much for listening.
Part Two should be out this week.
You've got that to look forward to.
So you have a great week, and we'll talk again soon.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.